"It was a hard lesson..." | Lee Hendrie | After The Lights Go Out

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Lee Hendrie on post-football depression, bankruptcy and suicide attempts: how he found purpose again

In this talkSPORT interview, Lee Hendrie looks back at leaving Aston Villa, his feud with Kevin Blackwell at Sheffield United, injuries, bankruptcy and divorce, and how they led to depression and three suicide attempts. The conclusion is that footballers need more support in the mental and financial transition after retirement, and that speaking out and finding daily purpose are crucial.

Join Steve Harmison and Leon McKenzie as they sit down with former Aston Villa midfielder and England international Lee Hendrie. With over 250 Premier League appearances to his name, Lee appeared to have it all. But behind his top-flight career was a silent struggle. Today, as a respected co-commentator and pundit, Lee reflects on the devastating pain of leaving his boyhood club, facing bankruptcy, Divorce, battling epilepsy, and his attempts to take his own life. CONTENT WARNING: This podcast includes strong language and covers topics surrounding suicide that some listeners may find upsetting. If you or someone you know is struggling please reach out and find support: https://www.samaritans.org/ https://hubofhope.co.uk For anyone affected by issues raised in this programme and struggling to cope, you can reach out to the trained professionals at Samaritans – they have a 24-hour helpline you can call – it’s 116 123 – that’s the Samaritans on 116 123. Or you can visit Samaritans.org Subscribe: https://youtube.com/c/talkSPORT?subconfirmation=1 Enjoyed this YouTube video? 😍 🖥️ talkSPORT's Website: https://talksport.com/ 📲 talkSPORT's X/Twitter: https://x.com/talkSPORT 📷 talkSPORT's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/talksport/?hl=en 👤 talkSPORT's Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/talkSPORT/ 📱 talkSPORT's Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@talksport ? 🔴 Download the talkSPORT app HERE! - https://talksport.com/apps/ 🔎 Want to see if you feature on our YouTube channel? Check out our Best talkSPORT callers playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFVMnSsi04LGLa9pS9xDvme-Gjmlu2 talkSPORT PremierLeague

Transcript

Tonight's program covers several sensitive subjects including depression and suicide. And if you or someone close to you is affected by these issues, Samaritans is available and provides a safe place to talk 24 hours a day. Telephone 116123 or visit samaritans.org. >> I'm Steve Harson. I represented England in 63 tests and 58 one day at nationals and won the ashes twice with my country. >> And I'm Leo McKenzie. I've experienced life as both a professional boxer and a Premier League footballer. In this program, we interview former elite athletes about their transition from their sporting careers to civilian life and the struggles which have followed. Both Leon and I have had our battles dealing with day-to-day lives since departing the sporting arena. During this series, we'll be speaking with several personalities who've experienced their own issues following their time in elite sport. I remember driving into a petrol station and I looked at the paper and it was it had me on the front and it had bankrupt in black capital letters >> and I thought to myself, I can't go in the petrol station. I can't pay for my petrol. >> And I I sort of went in and and sort of ducked down and paid my fuel and then I thought I'll go and play football. And uh I d I actually drove to the game. Uh, and it was probably a good thing I did because I think that day, God knows what I could have done. >> Yeah, >> I'm still that person who who wants to put a smile on people. I still want to be happy and still wear that mask to a certain extent because I can't I really find it hard to shrug off where I was, what I was, and and what I earned because going from them extreme amounts of money and the lifestyle that you live to losing absolutely everything and and like you said, stripping it back and and not being able to do them things is it was It was a big lesson for me, a hard hard lesson. The first time I did, it was down to me drinking. I'd had a a real bad day. I was riding a wave of trying to keep myself into a situation where I was going to still be here. But then to be having them thoughts that what can I do to kill myself is is horrible to even sit here and think about it. I I have good days, I have bad days, and and and I'm always going to have them. It's never going to go away. Um, I'm I'm pleased that I've turned that corner. >> Lee Hendry, welcome my friend. Great to have you on the show. It's absolute pleasure. Lee, um, usually on this show we start off with going into the area where athletes retire, >> but with you, um, I'm going to go back a few years when you was at Aston Villa, 2007, and I want to talk about that period for you. It was like the beginning to an end of your football career. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah, I I think listen I think Vill was always special for me because um I think from day dot really from signing as a a sort of school boy um my school of excellence forms and then school boy and coming through sort of the system it was always it was always a massive massive club and and something that I wanted uh as a young boy supporting Villa. Um, and then I mean 2007 obviously coming through the whole system and and being around big players, you know, I'm talking about big international players who I've looked up to give me advice. probably haven't took all the advice they gave me to be quite honest. But um yeah, I mean 2007 I'm just trying to think would that have been when I was sort of leaving the club um or coming to the end of an era there which leaving leaving the club was was horrible. I hated it. >> Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You you could have went to Stoke. You ended up going to Sheffield United. That transition of period what was going through. >> Yeah. Well to be honest with you um it was when Martin O'Neal came in. I'm just just going back now. uh Martin O'Neal came in and I thought this is going to be brilliant for me um right at the back end of my sort of villa days um because I thought you know he likes sort of exciting bright sort of skillful player sort of thing and I thought this was this was me came in he had a different idea of where they wanted to take the club they wanted to bring a lot of younger players in I was coming towards sort of back end of 30 um and I didn't really feature so it was it was difficult and had a couple of injuries at the time which made it even worse. >> Um so I couldn't even get in front of him to sort of showcase anything. Um so I said can I go out and loan which I end up going out on loan to Stoke that last season. Uh and I thought I'm just going to get fit. I'm going to get myself you know in good shape and give myself a chance in front of him. >> It wasn't the case. Ended up leaving the club on a on a free. He said, you know, we're not offering you a contract, which was absolutely heartbreaking because all I could see was me wearing a Villa shirt really. I sort of >> stepped out of it to try and give myself another chance when I went to Stoke and Tony Pulis took me to Stoke. >> Um, and it was it was a a matter of my dad actually knowing Tony because my dad had played with with Tony at Bristol Rovers. Um, and he sort of forced the issue a little bit. Stoke was struggling. Uh so it was a bit of a gamble for me to go there really and um it it just it it blossomed you know we brought some players in uh Salif from Liverpool um there was like um Andy Griffin uh myself >> I know about the Stoke situation cuz one of my good friends is Michael Dubrey. >> Yeah, Dudes was there. Yeah. >> So, he mentioned he mentioned you uh I said to you you were coming on and um he mentioned you said like you know you're you're a good lad and you could you could play and I remember you um uh being at Stoke at that time. It was actually quite a good time for you, wasn't it? Wasn't it? >> Yeah, it was. Well, that was the thing. It was because I I sort of thought, listen, I'm getting to that stage in my career now where, you know, there's not many years left for me to to really go and and blossom really. So it was either stay and and just fall off the face of the earth or really go and and and try and showcase it which I did. >> What sort of what did you suffer from the most? The emotion of leaving um Aston Villa. >> Yeah. >> Or the injuries that were sort of contributing to the the way you left Aston Villa. I think I think leaving was was a real real heartache and heartbreak because I only knew traveling to Bodymore Reef from from my house which was 20 minutes away. Um you know doing what I did every morning routine coming home and being in the Midlands around my family which was is always I think important um because that's all I really knew. I'd never traveled away. I had the option to maybe sign at at Manu. I could have gone to Everton. I could have gone to a number of places as a youngster, but >> I wanted to be at Villa because I was a Villa fan. So, it it just ticked all the box. So, leaving the club was was a difficult transition for me on top of injuries as well. >> Obviously had the the period at Stoker, but you actually went to Sheffield United. >> Yeah. >> Now, injuries is is always quite a big factor. It was a massive factor in in my career where I psychologically really struggled with with the injuries and what it was doing to me off the field. >> Now your first season you was affected by injuries quite a lot. >> Yeah. >> How was your emotions around that and take us back there if you can talk to us about what that sort of done to you emotionally and everything else? Yeah, I think I think do you know what the the first season I'd signed for for Sheffield United? So I'd left on a on a free transfer from Villa and I thought do I go back to Stoke? Do I go to Sheffield United? I thought Sheffield United had been relegated and Brian Robson had took over and he he said he sort of talked me into going and I thought you know what it's a big club. There's a good chance that they'll bounce back and I'll be in the Premier League again which where I wanted to be. Unfortunately, because of injuries and stuff, I wasn't playing, which was was hard enough for me to to make that step down and that that big decision. But when I went there, I went there with a massive focus on literally working hard to to get to the Premier League again. Uh, and I I done my knee literally probably I think it was about three games in having quite a good start really. Um, and finding my way. It's tough place every you know you know it's you've got it's a it's a sort of sort of the earth place you know with lots of respect yeah it is and and and you know what I love all that because I'm I'm a worker and I'm a fire so I basically I got injured um and it was it was it was so difficult to to sort of focus that I' I'd had a knee injury because I just had little niggles I'd had like calf injuries but to to do my cartilage literally through walking in the door, a new manager and and wanting to prove yourself to fans and and people that think that, oh, he's taking that step down and, you know, it it was it was so hard for me to deal with. And then Robo got sacked >> literally months into being the manager. >> Changes everything >> which changed everything because he bought me in as that player. He bought me, he gave me that revitalization to to really go, "Right, we're going to the Premier League." that was his that was his, you know, thought and that was his journey he wanted to go on and I was with him and he he left and I'm stuck in the treatment room. >> So now you got the pressure of of a new manager coming in. >> You're trying to get back fit. >> I know what that's like cuz the pressure of it is it's it's horrendous and you know you're trying to prove yourself like what you're you're trying to do playing wise and then you're trying to get fit but then you got manag >> and you're also away from your home. >> That's right. And you got managers that sometimes, you know, they don't really know you. So they they're like, >> are you really fit or like, you know what I mean? You start getting the labels and oh, you're injured again and those sort of things. Those those were the things that affected me cuz and I've seen you play like, you know, you you you wear your heart on your sleeve and um you know when you kind of get a little bit labeled with being a sick mo or and I and I've had that. >> It affected me a lot. I don't know how how it felt for you. >> Well, do you know do you know something? I wasn't used to being injured. >> No. This is what I'm saying. >> And this is and this is the thing is that I wasn't I wasn't used to being ninja, but if I felt like I was fit and able, I would I'd be out I want to go out and train. And that was exactly how I was. Whether it was not quite right, >> I wanted to be because I could not stand being in the treatment room. I wasn't one for sitting and doing weights. I wasn't one for fitness work I would do, but you know, it all comes with the rehab. And I was >> I was a bit of a a bit of a joker around the place as well. So, you know, sort of going into to sort of rehab and not having done it before, >> it was like a slap in the face and going, "Well, you know what? You've got to do this because otherwise it's just going to keep reoccurring." >> And that's where I found it really difficult because as you touched on, new manager coming in, >> you know, yourself, you want to make you want to make an impression. you want to get out on the pitch and and that's what I wanted to do when when uh Kevin Blackwell came in >> and it wasn't all playing Salem with Kevin Blackwell, was it really for you? It was the talk to us about the relationship going anywhere. >> Where start? What an absolute I can't even I wouldn't swear on here but if I could I would honestly that's that's how >> was it just complete breakdown? >> I I've never ever I mean I've worked under managers that have disliked me but have have sort of worked with me. >> Yeah. >> This man didn't want to work with me. He did not want to work with him from day dot when he came in. I actually feel like it was some sort of power trip for him. >> And and the reason I say it and I've told him I've told him straight. I've seen him. >> I don't I'm you know I'm not hiding anything here. >> If he was sat there I tell him straight which I did tell him straight >> is that >> I was a a big player that played in the Premier League for 12 years. There was me, Keith Gillespie, um David Kotrol, who they who um uh Brian Robson had bought in. And I thought when he came in, he looked around the changing room and thought, I don't know if I can manage these. >> Yeah. Too big. Yeah. >> Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. So, I think he flipped it the other way and thought, right, I'm going to start being >> I'm going to blame you. Yeah. >> And and before before I knew it, I was back fit. He was sending myself and Keith Gillespie uh and Cots to train with the kids >> which I touched on. I wasn't I wasn't living at home. I was living away from home. You know, it was up and down the motorway. It was it was hard enough the start I'd had. >> Um and he sort of put me in and out for cup games and >> you know I was 30 years of age. you know, I hadn't I'd missed a lot of games and I was trying to get myself back on the map again. And this was the heartbreaking thing for me is I was 30 years of age and I'd gone to a club that definitely had a drive that I felt would have suited where I wanted to go >> and I felt he stopped me. I really do. And I I'm not I'm not one for blaming anyone, but that man did not help my progression at Sheffield United. And it it backfired with for me with the fans because they all bought in. They thought I was coming on a free transfer. I was weighed in and I was sitting there. That's not me. >> In that situation though, obviously I'm I'm from cricket. I'm from a different different background. But in that situation, I I watch like the football wars and you talk about players seeing out their contracts and players not not being fit and play. But sometimes if that manager is so set against >> and he's not having you, there's very little you can do about it, isn't it? And that that that makes that it makes a mockery of the system. Yeah. >> But it also makes you perceive to be a person that you're not. And that's I think that I think that is abusive when it comes to >> I do >> sport and you know it would never happen in any walk of other walk of life careers. >> Exactly. And and and and for me that was the end of that was the end of my career. It really was. And I say that I'll say that because >> I I was a fighter and I was my dad's Scottish. He was brutal to me to get to where I got to. And I love the fact that he was >> because he give me >> he give me a hunger and a desire. And that's the way I was brought up. I was bought up from nothing. So I wanted to prove him wrong. And my dad would always say that you prove people wrong. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And sometimes you and I honestly the one season I came back I got fit as anything. I thought I'm going to prove this guy wrong. Yeah. >> And the summer I came back that that year he was in >> I we trained all together all the academy and I blew all the running away. I played in all the preseason friendlies and I was looking sharp and fit. >> And then we played QPR away. First game of the season. I thought I'm I've turned his head. I'm backing. He singled me out the game before QPR at preseason game. I can't think where it was might have been Mansfield or something like that in the preseason. He went that's that's what I want. Look at he's 31 years of age. Blah blah blah. goes to QPR names the team not in the team names the bench not on the bench >> I mean for me >> psychological >> that is psychological and that is hurtful because he has literally used me >> dangled me around played about with me and then gone see >> so what goes through your mind then you're not having that conversation to say like knock on your door and say like excuse me >> do you lose the fight what is going on I >> I just I you know what I you know what I did I walked out at loftest road and I got in the nearest taxi and went home >> because I was that angry and I didn't want to disres I didn't want to disrupt what was in the chamber room because there was some good good pros in there and I didn't want to there was a game going on and I thought I will go and bang on his door >> and I did >> good >> and he and and he you know what he was weak >> really >> he would feed me with he would feed me with complete and utter rubbish and the next game would come round and I wasn't involved so it was it was almost like He he he had me he had me where he wanted me and he wanted to use me as a a scapegoat in front of all the >> he wants to see your desperation. Do you know I don't understand like why these some of these managers will will come with a with an approach like get you so desperate. It's definitely power cuz I've had it a little bit in my career. Not, you know, to the level of of where where you was for a long time, but I did play Premier League and I, you know, you go when you as you drop down the leagues, >> you know, and I I had a little bit of a taste of it when I dropped down to League 2 and, you know, you're just kind of still fighting. But I know the type of person I am. >> I think what you're trying to say is Lee is that listen, I can accept you don't rate me as a player, but don't assassinate my character cuz it feels like a little bit like >> you're taking a mick here. Do you know what I mean? And that's what I found which was a struggle even like going to lower leagues and you like you say homie there's a power trip thing there. It's like okay I've played Premier League once upon a time but I am here still to do a job. Don't watch that too much that I'm not trying to come here and give it the big I am. I'm just trying to enjoy my football again and help the team. They don't see it that way sometime. >> They don't they don't. And you know what there was I tell you there was one player in the changing room. Gary Gary Speed. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And you know something >> brilliant. >> He was he kept me >> quite sane cuz he would always pull me. I I would train >> and I would train and he would he would go mate. You're the best player in the change room. You are literally I can't see what is what he said but >> sit tight. >> He won't be here long. He said I'll be manager. You'll be playing. And that's his exact words to me. And I said speedo. He went so just don't just get on with what he's doing. if he keeps sending you down there and when he brings you up to playing in the games, you know, building up to the the match, just do it. Just do it. Just get on with it. Don't even have any conflict with him. Get away from him. And I I I I did. >> Lee, um you spoke in the the last section about, you know, the drops down the leagues. Um but where did the sort of depression sit into this? Where did it first start? Where did you first detect it? Did it come on at Chef United once you left the home or did you did it did it sort of manufacture manifest further down the line? >> Do you know do you know what I mean? It it wasn't really something that or even really highlighted. I the first time I ever heard someone actually come out and actually be vocal and honest about was was when Stan Collmore did. >> Yeah. >> When I was at Villa and he came out and people sort of laughed it off. How can you be this? How can you be that? And I actually felt what he said was something similar to what what I was. You know, you sort of put on a face to go into training. You've got certain issues and problems at home. Um you've had problems as a kid come and growing up. But I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what it was. You know, I' I'd have days where I I I felt low and down and didn't want to get up for training at times. But, you know, I'd get u